In the Family Way

Secrets we keep, meaning behind metaphors, and reconciling for Christ's sake.

About two decades ago, my husband’s Italian uncle shared a family recipe with me. In my in-laws’ kitchen, he taught me how to make delectable meatballs and rich marinara sauce. When dinner time rolled around, my tastebuds thought I was dining in Italy.

Now my mouth is watering.

Positive family secrets like this one spark endearment and strengthen relational bonds.

On the flip side are secrets kept out of shame or pride, ones that have more at stake than a leaked family recipe. Exposure could risk reputation, livelihood, relationships, ostracism, or worse. And if there’s a history of sensitive information being used against you in unsupportive ways, self-preservation is fueled all the more.

I was in middle school the first time I felt the sting of betrayal. One of my cousins begged me to tell her who I had a crush on, promising she would not say anything to anyone. As soon as his name escaped my lips her face lit up and she ran toward him yelling, “Emily has a crush on you!” My little 12-year-old heart was mortified.

We learn firsthand and as observers which secrets are acceptable and which ones lead to shunning. For instance, it’s justifiable to wait until your second trimester to reveal a pregnancy. But being pregnant and unwed is generally frowned upon, especially in church settings.

…said both parties.

When I was a teenager, I observed the hushed voices and side-eyes directed toward an unwed pregnant woman at church. Judgmental faces morphed into pinched smiles when she turned around. I thought about what it would be like if she was my sister, imagined myself in her situation. I admired her for waiting to get married and for not hiding. I also gathered there’s no margin for error around church people, so if I wanted to avoid the pain I witnessed I needed to work things out in secret.¹

Beyond the metaphor

Jesus conveyed Christian identity as familial, brothers and sisters (Matthew 12:48-50), and Paul reinforced this throughout the New Testament (1 Thessalonians 1:4, et al.). So while we don’t share DNA with every follower of Christ, we are related in spirit by the blood of Jesus, siblings for eternity. Imagine the level of fellowship that viewpoint could unlock among the family of God here on earth.²

My brothers and I don’t live close, and our values differ on some subjects, but we love each other deeply and wouldn’t hesitate to pull up if there was a need. Generally, there’s a level of patience, acceptance, and grace when it comes to your nuclear family. Followers of Jesus are instructed to embody that same tenderness toward people of faith.

From now on, then, we do not know anyone from a worldly perspective. Even if we have known Christ from a worldly perspective, yet now we no longer know him in this way. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, and see, the new has come! Everything is from God, who has reconciled us to himself through Christ and has given us the ministry of reconciliation. That is, in Christ, God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and he has committed the message of reconciliation to us. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, since God is making his appeal through us. We plead on Christ’s behalf, “Be reconciled to God.”

2 Corinthians 5:16-20 CSB

In essence, “You’re in! Now let’s get to work.” Jesus is making all things new, so there must be more to this appeal than evangelizing. If we see people as actual and potential siblings, maybe it would it be easier to carry out the ministry of reconciliation. Being reconciled to God is both done and being accomplished, meaning we are justified by Christ now while sanctification is ongoing to prepare us for an eternity with Him.

As God’s Spirit transforms us, we become ambassadors of that same reconciliation. This ministry includes actively helping each other in troubles. Since reconciliation is an invitation to all believers, that means its ministry is not dependent on spiritual giftedness (hospitality, shepherding, teaching, mercy, etc.). Rather, it must be a shared role among all the family of God’s kingdom.

Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.

Galatians 6:1-3 MSG

For the sake of Christ

Restoring harmony to a fractured relationship is not a swift or simple process. Being an emissary of reconciliation takes hard work, time, patience, and faith. It will be personally costly (and usually quite rewarding). Someone once said to me about another Christian, “Gosh darn it, I wish [they] would just stop sinning!”

Uh . . . how come some people have such a hard time battling sin? Maybe because they have no one left to lift them up. Expecting healing to play out like a S.M.A.R.T. goal risks categorizing someone as unredeemable. Once that mental shift occurs, why stick around? But oftentimes in reality, that brother or sister is battling an unseen enemy (Ephesians 6:12), and they’ve been left to fight alone. Woe is an accurate word for the one who is alone in trouble (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10).

Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote on the difficulties of confessional community:

He who is alone with his sin is utterly alone. It may be that Christians, notwithstanding corporate worship, common prayer, and all their fellowship in service, may still be left to their loneliness. The final break-through to fellowship does not occur, because, though they have fellowship with one another as believers and as devout people, they do not have fellowship as the undevout, as sinners. The pious fellowship permits no one be a sinner. So everybody must conceal his sin from himself and from the fellowship. We dare not be sinners. Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is suddenly discovered among the righteous. So we remain alone with our sin, living in lies and hypocrisy. The fact is that we are sinners!³

What stirs in you when a brother or sister confesses a deep struggle? Maybe it’s compassion, or a visceral compulsion to slowly distance yourself. We need wisdom to discern nuances because there are times when it is necessary to walk away and remove oneself from the life of an unrepentant person. At times, the Lord uses someone or something else to bring about His redemption and we may not get to be part of that reconciliation this side of heaven. “You can have a really beautiful, powerful redemption story without it being a restoration story.”⁴

Whether we’re compelled to move toward or away from a life affected by sin, it’s important to notice what our action reveals about our own life and belief. Answering honestly could help shape a Christ-like, Christ-led response to the presence of sin and struggle in lives of others—and maybe even in our own.

Dallas Willard described a sober-minded approach to the ministry of reconciliation:

Our local groups of disciples generally contain people at all stages of the journey and some who might still be in captivity. A church should be like a hospital with people in all of the different stages of healing and health, receiving treatment and progressively getting better. Some are in intensive care and others are getting well and going out into the world with the steady gleam of “a better country” (Hebrews 11:16 ESV) in their eyes. It isn’t a place of perfection, as people might think about it; rather it is a place where people live with one another in healing love under the power of God . . . Knowing that some folks are there for the wrong reasons might trouble us, but we must remember that our confidence is “through Christ toward God” (2 Corinthians 3:4). And out of the abundance of that confidence, we act.⁵

Phrases like “The church is a hospital for sinners,” and “We don’t have to clean ourselves up before we go to God,” are familiar. But the opposite can feel true when it comes to God’s people. At least for those whose sin and suffering don’t fit into what is generally seen as understandable.

A Substack article captured an unspoken message among churchgoers (some, not all), the one that proclaims, “God loves you in all your messiness!” only to turn away and think, “but we’d really rather you did clean yourself up beforehand.” The author writes:

Wellness has replaced religion for many, offering a sense of purpose and moral guidance. It’s no longer enough to deal with illness as it comes, we must preemptively optimize ourselves at all times. We are not only responsible for our bodies but for our souls. Fail to do so, and you’re cast out, seen as less-than. If you’re not well, if you’re not healed, if you’re not happy, the subtext is clear: you’re not trying hard enough.⁶

When Jesus prayed for us to experience the same oneness He has with the Father (John 17:21), He undoubtedly knew about this harmful perspective. If we share the load of carrying burdens, hope will not be so easily abandoned. If we believe we have direct access to the Father through faith in Jesus, confidence in God’s power to do the impossible will grow.

I admit, I don’t know how to put the ministry of reconciliation into action beyond myself. Perhaps if we get on board with this whole blood relatives in Christ thing, we will realize we have an entire family to call in for reinforcements. We can let our hearts be encouraged, because two are better than one, and a cord of three strands is not easy to break (Ecclesiastes 4:9, 12).

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The Fortnightly

A bi-weekly offering of music, good food, interesting reading, and a moment that needed capturing.

Tunes

If you’re feeling down or discouraged, listen to this playlist for an hour of encouragement.

Menu

Uncle Meatball’s recipe really is secret. I’m sorry.

However, for those in a baking mood, this gluten free Earl Grey Tea Cake from Cucina Nicolina turned out way more delicious than I’d hoped. 10/10 will make again. I baked the cake in an 8” round cake pan and halved this Earl Grey Frosting recipe from Coffee With Us 3 to top it with. The frosting didn’t have as strong a tea flavor as I wanted, so I added orange zest and that was the ticket. For the best tea leaves, my favorite is Earl Grey Crème by Art of Tea.

Book

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ The God of the Woods by Liz Moore

I’d like to thank Winter for allowing me to devour this mystery thriller in less than a week. (Adults only for adult themes and some language.)

Moment

This cozy space is filled with meaningful objects from or made by people I cherish. Pictured here: mint colored table from my Louisville neighbor/landlord, birdcage and homemade candle from Natalie, pothos plant from Anna, hourglass that belonged to my late father-in-law, inch plant from my friend (window sill), and an “ugly brown chair” that belonged to my grandmother. The Tiffany lamp is the latest addition from a friend, making this spot suitable for nighttime reading. Not pictured: a vintage turntable and speakers from my oldest brother, and many other treasures.

Roux the cat has adopted the ugly chair as her own.

Be well, friends.

1. While my adolescent experience was impactful, most of the folks in churches I’ve been connected to in adulthood have responded to similar situations in love, even if imperfectly.

2. For more on this topic, see Aimee Byrd, Why Can’t We Be Friends?: Avoidance Is Not Purity.

3. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together, p. 110.

4. Mike Cosper on the Holy Post podcast, September 2021.

5. Dallas Willard, The Scandal of the Kingdom: How the Parables of Jesus Revolutionize Life with God, p. 104.

6. Breaking Up with Healing