Are You Okay?
Looking at anxiety, how to pray when the answer is no, and practical questions because it's not okay but it will be.
To live in the present means to trust deeply that what is most important in life is the here and now.
— Brennan Manning
A subscriber asked me to write on anxiety — the kind you can’t shake and just seems to linger 24/7.1 While I am not licensed therapist or a medical professional, my experience with anxiety as spectator and participant may offer some hope. Or at least a different point of view.
Let’s talk anxiety
Very generally, anxiety is a reactive response to either past or present stressors. When felt needs are threatened, the mind and body fights back. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs rightly assigns survival as the most primal need. And while physiological needs are most important (e.g., food, water, clothing), anxiety can show up when any felt need is perceived to be in jeopardy.
Anxiety can manifest as insomnia, nightmares, muscle tension, increased heart rate, shortness of breath, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, GI issues, nausea, inability to sit still, avoidance of regular activities, and fidgeting (e.g., picking or chewing cuticles, etc.) to name a few. Life can feel like a high speed train, so the mind creates ways to slow down, distract, and avoid hazards.
Mind over matter isn’t the best solution for anxiety. Sure, avoidance and patch-work will get you by for a time — what Sean calls “chillin’ and not dealin’.” But like the dashboard warning lights in your car, symptoms of anxiety alert you to something deeper going on. Many things in life do work themselves out, but when the indicator light stays on you need to pay attention. It might be time to take a break and get off the train.
Let’s talk perspective
God put life in us from the beginning. Life is precious and worth preserving. When held in comparison to God’s purposes, felt needs can oftentimes be categorize as negative (wrong, bad, or selfish). In light of that, I think it’s extremely meaningful that Jesus prayed three times for the Father to spare His life in the Garden of Gethsemane. “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me. Yet not as I will, but as You will” (Matthew 26:36-42, in context). Jesus ultimately prized the Father’s will and kingdom above self-preservation, but that didn’t stop Him from pleading for His life. Jesus knew He was about to be brutally killed and His body reacted by sweating blood.
Trusting God doesn’t mean our flesh will follow suit. Yet the Lord is near. Through Christ, He provides peace that transcends understanding to protect our hearts and minds from derailing. God’s kingdom is coming and we have a His Spirit to help us. But while we live out our days on this earth, we must hold tension between His promise to come and the realities of this unsafe world.
So this week I read in Luke’s Gospel where Jesus said, “Can any of you add one moment to his life span by worrying? If then you’re not able to do even a little thing, why worry about the rest” (Luke 12:25-26)?2
ha.3
Adding one moment to a person’s life is considered “a little thing” to God.4 Gives some candid perspective, doesn’t it? At the same time, it’s a bit maddening because His ways and thoughts are higher than ours; they don’t make sense half the time.
And He gets that we’re confused and worried. To help ease the anxiety, Jesus invites us to consider the ways He cares for birds and flowers. He values those created things, but they are not as precious as we who are made imago Dei — in the image of God. Jesus continues with these comforting words, “…your heavenly Father knows that you need them” (Matthew 6:32b), and “they will be provided” (v. 33).
“Will be” seems to indicate not yet. So when we pray “not my will but Yours be done” we are trusting in the LORD over fear — even if only by a sliver — and elevating love for God and people above self-preservation.
Based on Psalm 116:13, Elisabeth Elliot considered this posture as “taking the cup of salvation”:
When the answer was no about the thorn in the flesh, and was the answer of Jesus’ prayer in Gethsemane, we know that there’s nothing wrong with praying that God will solve our problems and heal our diseases and pay our debts and sort out our marital difficulties. It’s right and proper that we should bring such requests to God. We’re not praying against His will. But when the answer is no, then we know that God has something better at stake … an invisible kingdom which you and I cannot see now but toward which we move and to which we belong. Whatever is in the cup that God is offering to me, whether it be pain and sorrow and suffering and grief along with the many more joys, I’m willing to take it because I trust Him.5
I’ve struggled with asking the Lord for anything specific. I believe God’s will is going to be done regardless of what I pray for, and I can count on one hand how many times He’s answered “yes” directly ... which has led me to think He was just going to do that anyway and I didn’t really have anything to do with the outcome.
But I’m starting to think the asking part has more to do with seeking to trust Him rather than seeking to receive from Him. In no way does that devalue my real or felt needs — it just means I can be honest about them with my Father who delights to give me the kingdom (Luke 12:32).
Jesus took the cup. To the death. His life for yours and mine. Poured out for you and me to seal a new covenant with His blood (Luke 22:20).
Let’s talk practical
I recently set aside a block of time — and guarded it by saying “no” to other good things — to asked myself a series of questions.
What do I feel like I need?
What fears are overshadowing hope and love?
Are there places I’ve lost hope?
Am I being rigid with my love?
Where is self-preservation stifling my trust in God?
You may be asking, what does all this have to do with anxiety?
Much of my own struggle relates to indecisiveness. Black and white thinking feels more secure because if I choose correctly, I won’t suffer, right? Yeeeahhh, I know that’s FALSE, but I don’t like to disappoint. I’d rather be a catalyst for joy, not sorrow.
Over dinner one night last week, my guys and I shared our current pros and cons list of living in Kansas. I realized a couple days later that my list of mostly cons was greatly influenced by how other people are affected by my living here.
My son does not like Kansas. Sure, he’s getting jacked at the gym, keeping Sean and me serenaded with guitar, and pursuing next steps for his life, but it’s lonely and he misses all the things.
I worry what effect our time here will have on him.
Family members are no longer an easy drive away.
I worry that if we stay three full years here it will grieve them deeply.
I don’t get to visit much with dear friends back home.
I worry those friendships might push closer to extinction if I’m not around to nurture them in person.
This all weighs on me. Yet I realized if I am holding these concerns too tightly, I risk hardening myself against opportunities to love and be loved where I am. Until now, it’s been way more appealing to diss the Midwest as a flat, mountainless, waterless wasteland I’m enduring for the love of my husband who took a job out here.
Don’t tell anyone, but I actually do like living here. There’s something profound about the vastness of the sky and the sunrise just outside my back door. I relish the absence of city noise. Time moves slower here. There’s compelling camaraderie on base, and I can take walks in safety away from constant traffic and crowds. I found an absolute gift of a friend who loves Jesus and shares many similarities with me. Sean is more relaxed in his job than I can ever remember. I do miss my family and friends AND I feel at peace in this season.
Learning to notice what’s happening in my own soul is freeing me to be more fully present in the here and now.
Let’s try it
Get off the train. Don’t worry about what’s next. You can hop back on later. For now, hold space to ask questions. Guard that time because it matters. For me, that looks like getting up earlier and sitting in the quiet with my comforts (warm drink, etc.). Sometimes I read, sometimes I write. Mostly I get distracted and have to remind myself what I’m sitting there for. If I’m too restless I take a walk and listen to the kind of music that makes my soul pay attention. Just find what works for you. You can use my five questions, or if you notice yourself in the middle of an anxious spiral, ask yourself:
What am I focusing on right now?
What do I feel like I’m missing?
What am I longing for?
Whichever list you choose, take your time and answer honestly. Walk away and come back to it over a few days or even weeks. You know when you’re slinging horse poo. The truth really will set you free. Want to take it to the next level? (Please say yes.) Share your answers with a trusted friend to get a more comprehensive viewpoint. You’ll love it.
Lastly, as you take steps toward confronting anxiety, emotions may catch you off guard at inopportune moments — like at work or the grocery store (speaking from experience).
Inevitably someone will comment, “Oh my gosh! Are you okay?!” Fight the urge to deflect. Own it. You can keep being honest without baring your soul to someone who probably just needs to call out the fact that you look like you’ve been crying. You can say, “No. But I will be,” and just go on your way. I’ve used this line more than once and I can testify to its effectiveness. And it will be okay.
If you’re on the flip side of that situation, try saying, “Hey, you look upset. Would you like to talk about it?” If that sounds terrifying or crazy, just throw them a gentle smile and let them be. ◡̈
Let me know how it’s going.
The Fortnightly
I decided to name this section The Fortnightly. It’s perfect because fortnightly means: “produced every two weeks,” I live at Fort Leavenworth, and I post my Substack at night. You can tell I’m proud of myself for this one.
Tunes
Sean told me this is my best playlist yet. Probably because listening to it made him do more “dealin’” than “chillin’.” He also affectionately called me a jerk several times. If you know him, you get it.
The cover art was created by a beautiful young soul I met at my last church in Virginia. I’m grateful for the time I got to spend with her, watching her grow and discover. Her art moves me.
On the menu
Sean requested these Cheesesteak Stuffed Peppers from Gimme Delicious and they were just that. Ethan ate two, including the pepper if that tells you anything.
Reading material
My mom and I read Suffering is Never for Nothing by Elisabeth Elliot and are talking through it together. There are several gems throughout this small book. Elisabeth was a stoic woman and refreshingly honest. Some of her views can sound reductionist, such as her definition of suffering toward the beginning of the book. However, my mom pointed out that her stoicism may very well have kept her alive and going after some of the tragedies in her life. Elliot said, “God loves me; God lets this awful thing happen to me. What looked like a contradiction in terms, I had to leave in God’s hands and say okay, Lord. I don’t understand it. I don’t like it. But I only had two choices. He is either God or He’s not. I am either held in the Everlasting Arms or I’m at the mercy of chance and I have to trust Him or deny Him. Is there any middle ground? I don’t think so … faith rests in the character of God.”
The moment
One of the ladies in my Bible study acted in Murder on the Orient Express at the local community theatre. She’s neighbors with T (my “absolute gift” friend), so Sean and Ethan and I met up with her to view the show. It was a great performance! Sean did a spontaneous audition on the mezzanine floor during intermission for upcoming shows. You’ll have to pop over if he makes a debut.
Be well, friends.
This article is addressing the general anxieties experienced by much of society, but there are other forms of anxiety which may require extensive time and a higher level of care for healing. I believe what I posit can be helpful for anyone. However, when caring for somebody suffering from major trauma, PTSD, or other deeply impactful events, I would not start here. There is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8), and our Savior is clearly NEVER in a rush. Just wanted to note that. ♥︎
All Scripture is CSB version.
I scribble in my books. If I want to think more on something I add an ellipsis in the margin. Something profound, I might add an exclamation point or a heart. If it’s funny I’ll write haha. If it’s funny but not haha funny I write ha. Sort of like a sarcastic scoff or touché.
See 2 Kings 20:1-6.
Suffering is Never for Nothing, Elisabeth Elliot.
I’m glad you are beginning to appreciate the prairie. I’m glad to have met you and thoroughly enjoy your insights.