That Twist at the End
No fly zone, copious amounts of internal dialogue, and a short mantra for the new year.
I have decided to find myself a home in the mountains, somewhere high up where one learns to live peacefully in the cold and the silence. It’s said that in such a place certain revelations may be discovered. That what the spirit reaches for may be eventually felt, if not exactly understood. Slowly, no doubt. I’m not talking about a vacation. Of course at the same time I mean to stay exactly where I am. Are you following me? — Mary Oliver
Toward the end of each year, I start seeing 12-month summaries pop up on social media. I scan through the photos and read the blurbs like a novel. Just a few changes in characters, details, and locations, but the message is the same. Celebrated times are mixed with hard moments, some dismissed with prejudice, and the subtle thrill of anticipation for the new year colors each post. Everything will be even better in the new year.
I feel a slight pull on one side of my face, my eyebrow raises slightly, and I can’t stop the thought from coming. Keep manifesting, friend. Isn’t it nice of hope to make space for cynicism?
It’s okay. I’m okay. We’re all okay here.
So, my year ended vastly different than I thought it would, like one of those novels you really like but then it throws a twist at the end and you’re like … wait. WHAT?!
While visiting family in my hometown, all my plans were foiled by a sudden illness — the kind where you shouldn’t be around people and the powers that be won’t let you fly. Twelve days later I was free to return home. Then winter storm Blair surprised us all, sealing off the roads for departure and shutting down my destination airport.
I think I’m skilled at drawing a silver lining on far less fortunate circumstances, but compounding disappointments kept tarnishing the shimmer. The virus caused me to miss out on several long-anticipated encounters with people I love. Though I was safe and welcome in my dear mother-in-law’s home, I felt awful and couldn’t shake the feeling of being stuck. But as the news kept broadcasting tragic events, I had to start sifting through the messages in my head, separating fact from reductionism.
It could be worse. True.
I’m fine. Mostly true.
I don’t have any control. Largely true.
Girl, being sad won’t change the situation. At least I’m not... HOLD UP.
I recognize toxic positivity. Comparison can be wildly destructive and unproductive.
Have you noticed how God has a way of reinforcing our lack of control over circumstances? Even with careful planning, things can go sideways and that can be either incredibly discouraging or altogether devastating. If I acknowledge my emotions, I can hear the questions prodding me for answers. Is God still good? Is He still trustworthy? Is He aware of what’s happening right now? Just saying, Yes, of course feels less than satisfactory, so I find the questions must be reworded:
Where do I see God’s goodness? How is God showing Himself trustworthy? What does His Word say about how He relates to me?
Answering these questions grounded me and restored a measure of peace to assuage my homesickness and help me remain present in the unexpected. I conclude by being honest and confessing, This sucks and I don’t want it, but I receive it even though I don’t understand. I found relief in recalling specific ways the Lord has sustained me, how He has been good, and that He has kept me alive.
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Psalm 27:13, NASB1995
And yes, I made it home for another Kansas sunrise.
My friend Nā and I resolved to set low expectations for 2025. Our mantra may end up on a t-shirt before the year is over. You never know.
Dear God,
Keep us alive, mentally sane, and loving You.
Amen
The Fortnightly
Starting 2025 with a different offering. If there’s something you’d like to see in this spot, I’m all ears.
Music
A couple years ago in Gathering Grounds Coffee Bar, I asked the barista what she had playing. “It’s called ‘Positive Jazz’.” So while it’s not one of mine, this playlist is a great 6+ hour backdrop for any chill occasion.
Book
The Bible study my friend and I are leading starts next week. I worked through the proposed study guide over the break and, after talking with the directors, decided to shelve the study guide and just work through Esther verse by verse. I wrote a short review of the book we’re not using on Goodreads if you’re curious.
Moments
December 19th: Top left — The annual suds party in honor of my Gramps’ birthday.
Christmas Day: Top middle — Relaxing with our books in my mother-in-law’s living room before the whole crew arrived (pictured: Ethan, Natalie, and Jesse). Top right — Anna in her granny’s fur for the win. Middle left — My beautiful sister (in-law), Kelly in our matchy green elf outfits.
December 26th: Center — Proof of life sent to Sean. The beginning of being not well.
January 6: Middle right — I lost count how many games of solitaire I played while convalescing. The one pictured here is new to me called Clock Solitaire. I’ve yet to win, but it’s a fun change of pace. Bottom left — After getting the news I couldn’t fly home, I bundled up and went outside for the first time in two weeks.
January 8: Bottom middle — My valiant nurse, Nita, at our final breakfast together before Anna took me to the airport.
January 11: Bottom right — Home. Grateful to return to this view.
Until next time…
Be well, friends.